RALEIGH — In a move that local historians are calling “The Day the Sun Died,” the Raleigh City Council voted this week to allow developer John Kane to build a 37-story tower in North Hills, effectively ending the concept of a “sky” for anyone living within a 40-mile radius.
The Council’s decision to choose “Bigger over Better” has sent shockwaves through the local community of people who own three-bedroom homes and have a lot of free time on Tuesday afternoons. By choosing to allow people to live in vertical stacks rather than the traditional Midtown method—sprawling outward until we hit the Atlantic Ocean—the Council has officially declared war on the “fabric of our community.”
“Jane Jacobs is literally spinning in her grave at such a high RPM that we could use her to power the very high-rises we despise,” said one spokesperson for Livable Raleigh, while clutching a vintage 1974 zoning map to their chest. “Jacobs always said that cities should be built for people, specifically people who were already here in 1992 and don’t like change. This 37-story monstrosity is a vertical dagger in the heart of our Midtown Plan, which was etched in stone three years ago and was intended to remain unchanged until the heat death of the universe.”
The controversy centers on a “deal with the devil” (known legally as a rezoning request). Developer John Kane allegedly offered the City Council “cash for affordable housing” in exchange for the extra 25 stories.
“It’s a classic bribe,” said local resident Martha Higgins, who lives in a neighborhood where the most exciting event of the decade was the installation of a new stop sign. “He offers ‘money’ for ‘housing’ just so he can make a ‘profit.’ Since when did the ‘business’ of ‘development’ become about ‘making money’? It’s disgusting. He should be building 37 stories of free community gardens and historic parking lots, out of the goodness of his heart.”
The psychological toll on the neighborhood is expected to be immense. Experts warn that the sheer height of the building may cause “Vertical Vertigo,” a condition where residents accidentally look up and realize they are living in a growing mid-sized city instead of a stagnant 1950s village.
“If we allow 37 stories today, what’s next?” asked another concerned citizen. “Forty stories? A space elevator? If people wanted to live in tall buildings, they’d move to New York or the terrifying future depicted in The Jetsons. Raleigh is supposed to be a place where the tallest thing in sight is a particularly ambitious oak tree or a very high pile of mulch.”
At press time, Livable Raleigh was seen scouting for a local puddle to designate as a “Historic Wetland” to prevent the construction of a sidewalk that might encourage a stranger to walk past their house.