RALEIGH, NC – In a move that has sent tremors (and significant shadows) throughout the Glenwood-Brooklyn neighborhood, billionaire industrialist C. Montgomery Burns today unveiled plans for his latest architectural marvel: “West at Peace.” This colossal high-rise, which Mr. Burns assures us will offer “unparalleled views of, well, other parts of West at Peace,” is set to permanently eclipse the sun for much of the vibrant downtown Raleigh community.
“Exceeeellent,” Mr. Burns cackled at a press conference held exclusively for a single, bewildered intern and a confused pigeon. “For too long, the people of Raleigh have been subjected to the tyranny of natural light. Sunshine! A veritable menace to productivity, hindering the important work of, (checks notes) … squandering the day.
“The proposed structure, which early blueprints suggest will resemble a gargantuan, highly reflective obelisk with a faint, unsettling hum, is slated for construction directly over the heart of Glenwood-Brooklyn. Residents, currently enjoying their last few moments of direct sunlight before construction begins, expressed a mixture of disbelief and resignation.”I just planted my prize-winning petunias!” exclaimed Agnes Skinner, peering nervously at the artist’s rendering of West at Peace. “They need at least six hours of sun a day! What am I supposed to do now, get a grow lamp the size of a small car?
“Mr. Burns, however, remained unfazed. “Nonsense! Think of the benefits! No more pesky glare on your television screens. No more faded upholstery. And think of the electricity savings from not needing air conditioning – it will be perpetually dusk! A romantic, gothic ambiance, if you will.” He then paused, squinting at the diagram. “Though, I suppose those solar panels on the roof of that quaint little coffee shop will be rather…decorative.”
When pressed about the impact on local businesses and the general well-being of a population suddenly plunged into perpetual twilight, Mr. Burns waved a dismissive hand. “Details, details! Progress, my dear boy, always casts a long shadow. And in this case, a literal one. Besides, I’m offering a unique amenity: a complimentary, personalized glow-in-the-dark welcome mat for every affected resident. Available in ‘radioactive green’ or ‘ghastly pallor.'”
City council members, reportedly caught entirely off guard by the announcement, scrambled to issue statements ranging from “deeply concerned” to “we need to check if this is actually legal.” However, a quick review of zoning laws revealed a little-known clause from the early 20th century, granting absolute construction rights to anyone who can prove ownership of “at least one large, menacing hound and a genuine top hat.” Mr. Burns, apparently, meets both criteria with ease.Environmental groups are already forming coalitions, though their initial protests were largely overshadowed by the rapidly approaching shadow of a large, very dark cloud shaped suspiciously like Mr. Burns’s head. Some residents are reportedly considering embracing their new, sunless existence by investing in elaborate nocturnal gardens and taking up bat-watching as a hobby.
As construction is set to begin next month, Raleigh braces itself for a future where the sunrise will be a fond, distant memory, and the only light will come from the glow of Mr. Burns’s latest triumph – West at Peace. Or, as one local barista glumly put it, “West at Piece of Our Sanity.”